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How I Became a Professional Baseball Heckler
I once was a hapless baseball heckler. But I had no idea exactly how bad I was until the summer of 1996. It was then, while taking in a Jays game with a few friends, we pitched a particularly bad line towards the Twins bullpen. Looking down on Greg Hansell, the line was "Hey Hansell, where's Grettel?". Twins catcher Matt Walbeck turned around and said, 'You're the worst hecklers I've ever heard in my life,'. It was then I realized the need to improve my powers of harassment.
I went to bookstores, the library, and anywhere else I could think of. Remember, this was 1996, and I didn't have an internet connection... yet. As soon as I did, I posted the simple question in a few newsgroups - "What is the funniest thing you've heard yelled at a ballgame?" Soon there were dozens of suggestions, then it was hundreds. Now I've collected about 2500 of the best. Some of the zingers?
How about...
* How's your Japanese?
* I've seen better arms on a snake!
*You couldn't save anything at WalMart!
* You've got less hits than an Amish website!
* Take off your coat, you're inside!
* You couldn't throw a party!
* You couldn't pitch a tent!
* I thought only horses slept standing up!
* How can you eat with those hands?
* I'm gonna break your cane and shoot your dog!
* You've had fewer hits than Vanilla Ice!
* Hey, Dracula, wake up your bat
* Do you want my autograph?
* Come on Cinderella, get to the ball!
Or a bit edgier (But still family friendly)...
* You couldn't throw rice at a Chinese wedding!
* There is more heat in an Amish home!
* I've seen better hit and runs in the ghetto!
* You're about as washed up as the Gulf Coast!
And some very original ones...
* This infields got more holes in it than OJ's alibi!
* I've got internet stocks in better shape than you!
* I've seen better sliders at White Castle!
* There's more holes in his glove than a Florida presidential ballot!
* I've gotten better calls from my ex-wife!
* Nice uniform, where's the Star Trek convention?
* This must be the Top 40 Countdown, the hits just keep on rolling!
* I've seen a better move by U-Haul!
* This pitcher is pac-man...walka, walka, walka, walka!
* You couldn't save a Word file!
* I haven't seen a slide like that since Enron!
* The graphics on your personal website suck!
* Did you buy that swing from GNC?
* Did you make the call on WMD in Iraq as well?
Anything personal, racial, or obscene has no place at the ballpark. Neither does physical contact like pouring beer on people or throwing coins - both way over the line. You stay safely away from the line with lines that are topical, witty, and original. For example in Dodger Stadium shortly after the brawl in stands a few years ago, which was started when someone snatched the cap of Chad Krueter's head -- a fan behind the Dodger dugout yelled at Chad : "Hey Kreuter, I just bought your cap on eBay!" Which was a fantastic line meeting those 3 criteria.
About the Author
James Lowe runs the Baseball Heckle Depot which has over 2500 Big League heckles listed.
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